Time goes by...not quite that slowly...tick..tock..schtick...schmock

"I've always been a drifter. I like to see the world. I have no ties, no commitments, no permanent base. I go wherever the wind blows me."

I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. My life is a layer-upon-layer of commitment, confinement, duty. I live by timetables, schedules, appointments, mortgage payments.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Those are words lifted from a short story by Carole Matthews. I pondered on it. The book was meant to be a light-hearted read...yet it struck a chord within me.


I wonder what we would do without the timetables, schedules, appointments. Alot of things will fall apart - train/plane/buses are already not on time (blame it on the weather, the accidents, the crowd, etc) - everything will be totally out of whack. Chain reaction....so you don't get to work on time, you won't be prepared for that 9a.m. meeting, won't be in time to answer the email queries, will work through your lunch hour and wonder why it is your stomach's grumbling, missing deadlines, missing the bus/train because you stayed late at work, missing the kids as they were tucked into bed....missing missing missing all the time....it's the clock that ticks keeping you and everyone in line...but...the clock also dictates that you should reflect on life the past year and declare a new way of doing things (New Year's Day and resolutions), it tells you that you should appreciate the person you care about and to let them know (birthdays), to send your special ones gifts of chocolates, flowers, diamonds and take them out for an expensive dinner and so on so forth - you know the deal by now.


Why do you need those special days to tell you how to behave? That's like having the law to stop you from looting and shooting. I appreciate that you need timetables, schedules, blackberries, Palms to keep time for you. But outside of work, why do you need it? Do you need something to tell you that you should spend time with your loved ones? To let them know that you appreciate them only on special occasions/days? Buy chocolates, flowers and all that commercial shite to proclaim your love? That is utter rubbish. How about letting them know each and everyday that they are special and that they matter? Imagine, waiting a full year to say "I love you and you mean alot to me" only to have the person die on you before the year is up. As for reflection - you can always do it anytime, anywhere and decide to be better at any point in time - you don't need a New Year's Day for it. Fuck that.


The moments that count are those impromptu ones. Those are the more precious moments - when you least expect it. I reckon you always get a better camera shot when people are caught unawares and I think it's sometimes like that in life. *Beep beep beep* Sorry, folks, according to my iPhone calendar, times' up with blogging – gotta go.


Love,

Petal P. Rose

A gentle breeze, she strokes my fever hot cheeks and forehead to soothe.

I was in a conversation with Himself, sharing abit of how it was like growing up. There is very little memory of being happy. I can only just about recall the bad ones, being terrified and being as quiet as a mouse. One of the "happy" times was when we had house parties. I recall my father with long hair and my mother with long, flowy dresses to match her tresses. Preparations would start early with mom getting all the glasses, crockery, cutlery, what-have-yous ready. I can't remember what I would do. I just remember being amongst adult and being cute. *shrug* what's a kid to do?

Himself asked to bring photos recording the moments and I told mom. She took out my album. We each have our own albums. Mine was the biggest, with picture of a girl, carrying ducks in a wheelbarrow on the cover. There were so many photos smiling photos that I can't remember. Mom started going through one by one, telling me the stories behind each photo - who bought or made my clothes, whose place it was, what had happened, etc. She could remember so much. Her stories were peppered with "do you remember...." "you don't remember,.....".

Pictures of their friends - I wonder what's happened with them all. I assume they all got married and have their own kids, etc - I never did see them again - or if I did, it seems to be lost in my labyrinth of memories. Mom even remembers my friends. The only person I've kept up with is my best friend - the rest, I'm not interested in. I do think of how so and so is doing but there's really nothing to anchor me to the past of that memory. They left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and I honestly wish that they get a taste of their own medicine that I was forced to swallow.

Mom says that she keeps the photographs so that she can one day show our kids how we were like growing up. "I keep them so you can show your kids", says she. But who will tell the stories behind them? I can't remember and most of what is recorded in my memory is the harshness of those times. Do I really want to tell my kids my memories? Or should I record her words and play it back? The ghost of happier times.

Today is her birthday. Today she is a year older. There will come a point when she will stop being a year older as her breath becomes still and the deep freeze will never have a chance to thaw.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Petal P. Rose

Never

Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned

my life into one long night seven times sealed.

Never shall I forget that smoke.

Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose

bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.

Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith for-

ever.

Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me

for all eternity of the desire to live.

Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God

and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.

Never shall I forget those things, even where I condemned to

live as long as God Himself.

Never.

- extracted from "Night" by Elie Wiesel

In memory.

Petal P. Rose

Secret

I have a secret
It's kept in my pocket
nestled comfortably,
amongst the fluffy lint,
next to the fallen star.

I put my hand in
my pocket and rummaged
my fingers were pricked
but the secret,
it's determined not to be found

It will live,
next to the fallen star,
forgotten for awhile, till...
I next remember the secret,
in my pocket,
that's yet to be found.

Petal P. Rose

Uncertainty

Will you remember the words exchanged, ten years from now? Keep it forever in your memory, never to lapse, like it was just yesterday. I can’t guarantee that I can, honestly. At times I forget what I had for lunch last Tuesday. Ten years – is it too long? When things go rough, will you remind me of our good times? We never know what the future will bring. Or will I only know the worst of times – sitting on the ledge of the cracks of happiness.

Can I trust you not to twist the knife when it’s already sticking out at the ribs? I trust you won’t do that – stick your foot and leave me clutching my empty stomach. The feelings I have are so intense, it hurts, just right there, when I take a breath or to sigh. I am punched out of air, withholding my all, tentative and waiting for the next strike.

Am I meant to be here? Are we meant to be? Am I entitled to it or will I get cheated of even this tentative happiness? I ponder on it a lot, wearing the cold hard cement of my mind with the constant scurrying of extreme thoughts. At times it feels as though I will succumb to it, I want so much to throw out the white flag and surrender…ah, sweet surrender.

I don’t have anything but myself to serve you on a humble thali platter. Will you take me in? I promise in turn to love and cherish you. That’s all I’ve got – you can have it all.

Petal P. Rose

Another year, another year.

Sunrise, sunset

a beginning and the end

it feels like I'm a dog chasing my own tail

wearing down the cobbled stones

of the many before me

I turned 31 a week ago. It has indeed been another year of change for me - very significant changes. Significant but the earth didn't feel like it moved at all. It was a gradual change - God was sneaking up on me. As some of you know, I switched jobs - back to the corporate world. I love my job. I started out as a Personal Assistant, looking after the incorporation of the Australian offices but 2.5 months into my job, there were some corporate changes and I am now a regional coordinator, with 1 staff unofficially reporting in to me. I got sent to Perth for a week to hand over stuff and leading up to that, so many things happened that told me things were meant to be this way.

I am also together with the love of my life. We were friends for about 3/4 years and the puzzle finally showed itself and it is all now crystal clear. I knew I liked him but didn't think it was possible. It only really dawned on me just a few months back - I could have hit myself on the head because I didn't see it coming at all. He is the most wonderful of all men I've ever met. He truly is a gem and I'm definitely hanging on to him.

I also just spent the last 2 weeks with him in Indonesia. It was quite an experience doing Indonesia with him. He was sick most of the trip but he did his best, I know. I've always known him by instinct and the trip was just a confirmation of my instinct - I was also getting to know him more in-depth.

My best friend got married too! Knowing them, there'll be a new addition to the family not too far in the future and I'm an "aunty" or perhaps "Godma"! *shock, shock, shudder, shudder* It was a simple affair, only attended by both families and me. I signed their marriage paper as one of the witnesses and that REALLLLLY made me feel oh-so-grown-up! I never envisioned that she'll be married before me, given our personalities but there you go, a twist in every story.

What's next for me is that I'll be enrolling in a course next year and I also plan to squeeze in more travelling in between the classes and work. I want to go back to my gamelan and writing but that will be the extra curricular, not focus. I'm taking abit of down time now to prepare for what I have to tackle next. Although I do enjoy the arts, it's also very draining for me when there's only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week! I am also starting to save up - the mister and I plan to have a family in 5/6 years if things go alright between us. If it goes pear-shaped, I'll still have my savings. I know I haven't written on this blog for awhile now - no excuses, just being plain lazy but I do promise to write again. I also will be working on a personal project - more writing - and will share as I go along....but not too much because it's very close to the heart.

I'm looking for a spash of rainbow

through the keyhole of your soul

Love,

Petal P. Rose

p/s: this formatting thing with Blogspot sucks!

When I zipped my luggage

on my way to you - I packed with me

not only warm clothes but I take with me

hope.

I unpacked it and drapped it all on the cold

steel, set on your carpet. I aired out my warmth,

shook out the love and hugged hope.

and when I packed my luggage home

it was with a heavy heart - bubble-wrapped in mirth

and eyes that wouldn't bleed tears.

I've left it all behind - the warmth, love and hope

tucked quietly in the extra creases

between your sheets

I've left it for you to rediscover at

your own time - the essesence of me.

Petal P. Rose