Secret

I have a secret
It's kept in my pocket
nestled comfortably,
amongst the fluffy lint,
next to the fallen star.

I put my hand in
my pocket and rummaged
my fingers were pricked
but the secret,
it's determined not to be found

It will live,
next to the fallen star,
forgotten for awhile, till...
I next remember the secret,
in my pocket,
that's yet to be found.

Petal P. Rose

Uncertainty

Will you remember the words exchanged, ten years from now? Keep it forever in your memory, never to lapse, like it was just yesterday. I can’t guarantee that I can, honestly. At times I forget what I had for lunch last Tuesday. Ten years – is it too long? When things go rough, will you remind me of our good times? We never know what the future will bring. Or will I only know the worst of times – sitting on the ledge of the cracks of happiness.

Can I trust you not to twist the knife when it’s already sticking out at the ribs? I trust you won’t do that – stick your foot and leave me clutching my empty stomach. The feelings I have are so intense, it hurts, just right there, when I take a breath or to sigh. I am punched out of air, withholding my all, tentative and waiting for the next strike.

Am I meant to be here? Are we meant to be? Am I entitled to it or will I get cheated of even this tentative happiness? I ponder on it a lot, wearing the cold hard cement of my mind with the constant scurrying of extreme thoughts. At times it feels as though I will succumb to it, I want so much to throw out the white flag and surrender…ah, sweet surrender.

I don’t have anything but myself to serve you on a humble thali platter. Will you take me in? I promise in turn to love and cherish you. That’s all I’ve got – you can have it all.

Petal P. Rose

Another year, another year.

Sunrise, sunset

a beginning and the end

it feels like I'm a dog chasing my own tail

wearing down the cobbled stones

of the many before me

I turned 31 a week ago. It has indeed been another year of change for me - very significant changes. Significant but the earth didn't feel like it moved at all. It was a gradual change - God was sneaking up on me. As some of you know, I switched jobs - back to the corporate world. I love my job. I started out as a Personal Assistant, looking after the incorporation of the Australian offices but 2.5 months into my job, there were some corporate changes and I am now a regional coordinator, with 1 staff unofficially reporting in to me. I got sent to Perth for a week to hand over stuff and leading up to that, so many things happened that told me things were meant to be this way.

I am also together with the love of my life. We were friends for about 3/4 years and the puzzle finally showed itself and it is all now crystal clear. I knew I liked him but didn't think it was possible. It only really dawned on me just a few months back - I could have hit myself on the head because I didn't see it coming at all. He is the most wonderful of all men I've ever met. He truly is a gem and I'm definitely hanging on to him.

I also just spent the last 2 weeks with him in Indonesia. It was quite an experience doing Indonesia with him. He was sick most of the trip but he did his best, I know. I've always known him by instinct and the trip was just a confirmation of my instinct - I was also getting to know him more in-depth.

My best friend got married too! Knowing them, there'll be a new addition to the family not too far in the future and I'm an "aunty" or perhaps "Godma"! *shock, shock, shudder, shudder* It was a simple affair, only attended by both families and me. I signed their marriage paper as one of the witnesses and that REALLLLLY made me feel oh-so-grown-up! I never envisioned that she'll be married before me, given our personalities but there you go, a twist in every story.

What's next for me is that I'll be enrolling in a course next year and I also plan to squeeze in more travelling in between the classes and work. I want to go back to my gamelan and writing but that will be the extra curricular, not focus. I'm taking abit of down time now to prepare for what I have to tackle next. Although I do enjoy the arts, it's also very draining for me when there's only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week! I am also starting to save up - the mister and I plan to have a family in 5/6 years if things go alright between us. If it goes pear-shaped, I'll still have my savings. I know I haven't written on this blog for awhile now - no excuses, just being plain lazy but I do promise to write again. I also will be working on a personal project - more writing - and will share as I go along....but not too much because it's very close to the heart.

I'm looking for a spash of rainbow

through the keyhole of your soul

Love,

Petal P. Rose

p/s: this formatting thing with Blogspot sucks!

When I zipped my luggage

on my way to you - I packed with me

not only warm clothes but I take with me

hope.

I unpacked it and drapped it all on the cold

steel, set on your carpet. I aired out my warmth,

shook out the love and hugged hope.

and when I packed my luggage home

it was with a heavy heart - bubble-wrapped in mirth

and eyes that wouldn't bleed tears.

I've left it all behind - the warmth, love and hope

tucked quietly in the extra creases

between your sheets

I've left it for you to rediscover at

your own time - the essesence of me.

Petal P. Rose

I was waiting for the train to come. Fuck! 8 minutes till the next one! I stood, observing the throng of human wave who were on the escalator. My thoughts went forward to the eventuality of a goodbye. Goodbye to someone who has taught me precious lessons.

The most distinct feature is his mad amazon hair, framing eyes who have seen yet continue to open wide in wonder and surprise. He will be leaving our fair shores in a months' time but I already miss him. I figure that if I start missing him now, that I'll get a headstart and when that eventuality comes, it won't hurt so bad. Perhaps. I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

He has taught me to push that invisible barricade that we all set up. He's attitude, try, you never know. I remember that he used to annoy the hell out of me. I was complacent, happy to take whatever is dished out to me, never to question if the portion is enough. He is generous of spirit, nurturing and encouraging. He would give the clothes off his back if he has to. He never asks - doesn't demand anything of his friends.

His troubles, he keeps private. I tried asking but you know, it's not easy to ask when he never does really ask about anything private. The doors are shut in certain parts of his life. I saw pictures of his childhood and those of his children. He has seen and been through so much yet it never deters him to carry on to see what's next.

=======================================

The note above was written about 1.5 months before he left. It just sat as a draft and I never went back to it till now...Now that he's gone. The escalator was the catalyst to the note above. With an escalator, you know that there's a chance that you will see the same person if you are there, at that moment on a certain day. It's a human buffett conveyor belt that recycles people, day in, day out. In life, you may not meet a person again. Especially one who is a gem such as he. I miss him sorely, my buddy who never questions.

I've lost quite a number of people these past few months - through departures, not death!! (Thank God!!) and I know that it's part and parcel of life but still, it stings. I'm counting them off my fingers and I hope I don't have to move on to my toes.

Petal P. Rose

That Girl

What kind of a girl runs out
breathless, shoeless out of a bar
just to answer that one call
that happens every night (for a week now)
always close to midnight

What kind of a girl uses
all her money (okay, some of it)
on her mobile phone
checking messages online with it
every couple of hours - at times every 15 minutes

What kind of girl whose heart
feels like it's on hot pins and needles
with every mention of another
in Russia, Hong Kong, Singapore -
it didn't matter

What kind of a girl buys
flowers and leaves notes strewn
hidden in the house
to remind him of her presence
even if it's only the lingering traces
of her eyes on his pillow

What kind of a girl lies
in her bed with mascara
making unhappy tracks down her freckled skin
pressed up tight against her bolster
late, oh so late

She's the kind of girl
who's in love with you
She always has been
She is waiting
for you.

And that girl?
She is me.

Petal P. Rose

Sshhhh......

It is there, can you hear it?

No, I am not imagining it - go ahead

Strain your ears,

hear me out, please!

the sound of silence

trickles and drips yellow blood

it is unabashed and unshelled

in this silence it exists

louder than any sound that you have ever heard

silent yet powerful.

Petal P. Rose