I was waiting for the train to come. Fuck! 8 minutes till the next one! I stood, observing the throng of human wave who were on the escalator. My thoughts went forward to the eventuality of a goodbye. Goodbye to someone who has taught me precious lessons.

The most distinct feature is his mad amazon hair, framing eyes who have seen yet continue to open wide in wonder and surprise. He will be leaving our fair shores in a months' time but I already miss him. I figure that if I start missing him now, that I'll get a headstart and when that eventuality comes, it won't hurt so bad. Perhaps. I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

He has taught me to push that invisible barricade that we all set up. He's attitude, try, you never know. I remember that he used to annoy the hell out of me. I was complacent, happy to take whatever is dished out to me, never to question if the portion is enough. He is generous of spirit, nurturing and encouraging. He would give the clothes off his back if he has to. He never asks - doesn't demand anything of his friends.

His troubles, he keeps private. I tried asking but you know, it's not easy to ask when he never does really ask about anything private. The doors are shut in certain parts of his life. I saw pictures of his childhood and those of his children. He has seen and been through so much yet it never deters him to carry on to see what's next.

=======================================

The note above was written about 1.5 months before he left. It just sat as a draft and I never went back to it till now...Now that he's gone. The escalator was the catalyst to the note above. With an escalator, you know that there's a chance that you will see the same person if you are there, at that moment on a certain day. It's a human buffett conveyor belt that recycles people, day in, day out. In life, you may not meet a person again. Especially one who is a gem such as he. I miss him sorely, my buddy who never questions.

I've lost quite a number of people these past few months - through departures, not death!! (Thank God!!) and I know that it's part and parcel of life but still, it stings. I'm counting them off my fingers and I hope I don't have to move on to my toes.

Petal P. Rose

That Girl

What kind of a girl runs out
breathless, shoeless out of a bar
just to answer that one call
that happens every night (for a week now)
always close to midnight

What kind of a girl uses
all her money (okay, some of it)
on her mobile phone
checking messages online with it
every couple of hours - at times every 15 minutes

What kind of girl whose heart
feels like it's on hot pins and needles
with every mention of another
in Russia, Hong Kong, Singapore -
it didn't matter

What kind of a girl buys
flowers and leaves notes strewn
hidden in the house
to remind him of her presence
even if it's only the lingering traces
of her eyes on his pillow

What kind of a girl lies
in her bed with mascara
making unhappy tracks down her freckled skin
pressed up tight against her bolster
late, oh so late

She's the kind of girl
who's in love with you
She always has been
She is waiting
for you.

And that girl?
She is me.

Petal P. Rose

Sshhhh......

It is there, can you hear it?

No, I am not imagining it - go ahead

Strain your ears,

hear me out, please!

the sound of silence

trickles and drips yellow blood

it is unabashed and unshelled

in this silence it exists

louder than any sound that you have ever heard

silent yet powerful.

Petal P. Rose

What better way to commemorate the Great Singapore Sale by going shopping?

So I got paid and I went shopping. Shopping for me is never planned and I am not a girlie shopper. Translated, that means that I don't take hours mulling over a pair of shoes or that pretty red number sitting on the shelf. I go in there, see something I like, take it off the rack/shelf, try it on if I have to (which by the way, I hate), if it flatters, buy it, otherwise, dump it. I don't think, "Oh, if I just lose a bit here and another bit there....I can fit it................someday in the near future..." Girls, don't waste your brain space thinking that. By the time that "someday" happens, you are outdated.

Cut the long short, I got myself: 1 dress, 1 skirt, 1 cardi-ish top, 1 pair of shoes, 4 lacey numbers and some toiletries. Grand total: S$293.43. That is not cheap - not when you are supposedly buying sale items!!!

I was looking for bras. Now, whereas I'm not double D big, neither am I a minus A but I am happy with my buddies. I went 'round to the bras section and EVERY SINGLE bra was a padded one! I was going around poking all the bras with my forefinger - "oh, this one's got a nice bounce to it." "nice...feels like the real thing.." - pity about the colours. Why would you lie about size? I mean, you have to take it off in the normal ritual of sex. How would you hide then? Shadow trickery? Okay, even if you blindfold the guy, he's gonna grab you - do you give him cushions to grab on to in place of your breasts? Obviously, this is a national obsession.

This is not the first time where I walk in to look for bras and most of what they have are gel/foam/jello/cushion/water-filled bras. There are normal, well-adjusted and confident ladies out there who are happy with their buddies and normal, lacey sexy UNPADDED/UNSTUFFED would suffice. I don't want to wear a pair of stuffed toys on my chest, thank you very much, I prefer my own breasts.

I do wonder, though, how it would be brought out in public display. A national obsession with the declining birth rate has manisfested itself in Clarke Quay with major dick installations. When a girl stubbles out drunk and falls on her back, she opens her eyes, sees the giant dicks, she must be thinking, "I want cock right now." I think we must be fair to the blokes. Are we going to add breasts to that? When a bloke stubbles out drunk and falls on his back, he opens his eyes, sees the giant breasts, he thinks, "I want breasts right now."

They turn their heads, over glazed, bleary eyes, across the cobbled stones of Clarke Quay, their eyes meet. They got onto their feet (not an easy feat) and stumbled unsteadily towards each other. Their mouths, open greedily like chicks to a mother, hers smudged dark lavender, his stinking of the chicken rice dinner. She wanted cock and he wanted breasts. He saw that hers was ample. He grabs her. PPPPpppffffffffffftttttttttttt.....

Truly yours,

Petal P. Rose

I am awake in my sleep. Through my closed lids, I see tiny, tiny, hot dots. They throb white and red, at times in unison but mostly random.

My mind is in smithereens of a crashed crytal flower. Clear, absorbing the colours around and reflecting for all to see and admire.

I am lucid but fervently wish for insanity. I want to ramble and mumble incoherently. Act and react innocently as I please. At least the reactions and actions of my person will not be analysed and taken seriously. They can put it all down to madness or genius?

I describe things in abstraction, draw parallels that only my eyes and heart see. My humour, dark at times and my wit dry. Twisted, that's a fact.

I have been called an enigma. I am not a riddle for you to figure out. I am someone you can't box in. I refuse. I have come this far and I never look back. I never want to go back there. Don't take me back there.

Petal P. Rose

Taking flight

Winged ant do not take flight

stay awhile and let me enjoy

you

tracing your path, scurry in panic

and going against what

you

already know, your desired paths

stay still, stay, while i examine

you

in the sunlight, pretty veins

that control you. I want to dissect

you

to peel away the folds, the betrayal

of your soul. Just plain, old,

you.

Petal P. Rose

One regret.

I am such a dickhead.

I was checking through one of my email accounts, looking for my missing e-ticket for my trip to KL sometime last February when I came across some of the email my ex-boyfriend wrote me.

You know how it is when people say, you never know until you’ve lost something? That’s the exact feeling I had and still have. I regret it and I wish that time can go back but it’s impossible. It wasn't a perfect relationship and it was a mutual parting. I nursed the hurt for about 2 years. I do miss him at times - I miss not having to explain myself and be 100% comfortable and relaxed. I'm over him - he's happy in another relationship and I'm looking for that elusive someone, still. :-) So don't be shy, write me. Hahahaha...

Wistfully,

Petal P. Rose
================================================================
Hi Petal, my love,

Just want to drop you a last mail before I go on the long trip home.Wow, its really a long journey, takes my days to come back to Singapore. Tomorrow, I will hit the road very early and I will not log on again. Ahh...you never know what happens during such an extreme long flight.Flying is not as safe as it use to be. I just want to say bye-bye and that I really love you ...just in case something happens. No harm donesaying this if I arrive safely in Singapore and nothing happens . Looking forward to see you Tuesday around noon and every other following day.

:-) Love X