So, I turn 3-0 in the next couple of minutes (and by the time I am done with this, I AM 3-0 [shit! shit! shit!!]). I look at myself in the mirror, looking hard for visible effects of the big uh oh. Nothing that I haven't seen, noticed or been pointed out to before.
But:
1. skin now becomes problematic - more oily and pimple prone.
2. it also lacks it's youthful glow
3. not so smooth anymore
4. I have panda eyes
5. eyes seem more discerning (but that could be just me squinting)
6. let's not talk about the other parts of the body.....
The change I most feel is inside. Like the blind who longed for sight, I now am the seeing who longs for the dark. I see so many things that just makes my heart bleed. How ungrateful humans are - I'm not talking just about the ones in general but those who are close to me. It's appalling at how selfish and uncaring these people whom I hold dear are. They are no different from the enemy.
More and more, I realise how like she I am. She, who would sacrifice her every single cent, give her clothes off her back and work her fingers to the bone for her love of those around her. She, who would bend double for her sons, going so far as shielding her daughter from the wretched knife. She has lead a hard life from the get-go. It's something I hear from her often to remind us of her humble beginnings. I've seen how she goes without. She. who is taken for granted by the chauvinistic pig, cast aside by the pig's pride. Even so, she chides me when I utter bad words after the pig. Her way is gentle and humble - I am unworthy standing beside her. Whenever I grouse about things, I stop short remembering her.
My heart bleeds for him when he struggles so hard to break the chains that bind him. I can feel the disappointment reflected in his eyes yet he is too big a boy to weep. 'Take it like a man', a phrase oft quoted but really, is anyone too grown up to weep in disappointment, despair and anger? I can almost hear the unspoken "why?" and the gut-wrenching sadness that sets in after. He didn't do anything wrong, as far as I can see. Yet he is treated like an outcast, callously forgotten in the display. Discarded for now - a liability.
I don't know how people who make others miserable pray or look at themselves in the mirror every single day or be able to sleep without fear of being killed. I know I'm not in the wrong but yet, I am ashamed to face the wrong-doer. I don't know how to be gentle and humble (yet) like her and look into those eyes and forgive. I don't think I ever can. Himself can go to the grave knowing that he was never forgiven.
I am not rich and I have given up the idea that I will ever be (but doesn't stop me from trying). I have accepted that I will be following in her footsteps - just a harder, no-nonsense and streetsmarter version of her. I would love to give her the big house, the money to throw but I don't know if I would be able to in her lifetime. But in her lifetime I know, I will try my earnest best to give the best that I can afford to be it materialistically or otherwise.
So when most would celebrate their 3-0 with a big party, my heart is heavy with sorrow for all these things and more unmentioned. Happy birthday, Petal.
But:
1. skin now becomes problematic - more oily and pimple prone.
2. it also lacks it's youthful glow
3. not so smooth anymore
4. I have panda eyes
5. eyes seem more discerning (but that could be just me squinting)
6. let's not talk about the other parts of the body.....
The change I most feel is inside. Like the blind who longed for sight, I now am the seeing who longs for the dark. I see so many things that just makes my heart bleed. How ungrateful humans are - I'm not talking just about the ones in general but those who are close to me. It's appalling at how selfish and uncaring these people whom I hold dear are. They are no different from the enemy.
More and more, I realise how like she I am. She, who would sacrifice her every single cent, give her clothes off her back and work her fingers to the bone for her love of those around her. She, who would bend double for her sons, going so far as shielding her daughter from the wretched knife. She has lead a hard life from the get-go. It's something I hear from her often to remind us of her humble beginnings. I've seen how she goes without. She. who is taken for granted by the chauvinistic pig, cast aside by the pig's pride. Even so, she chides me when I utter bad words after the pig. Her way is gentle and humble - I am unworthy standing beside her. Whenever I grouse about things, I stop short remembering her.
My heart bleeds for him when he struggles so hard to break the chains that bind him. I can feel the disappointment reflected in his eyes yet he is too big a boy to weep. 'Take it like a man', a phrase oft quoted but really, is anyone too grown up to weep in disappointment, despair and anger? I can almost hear the unspoken "why?" and the gut-wrenching sadness that sets in after. He didn't do anything wrong, as far as I can see. Yet he is treated like an outcast, callously forgotten in the display. Discarded for now - a liability.
I don't know how people who make others miserable pray or look at themselves in the mirror every single day or be able to sleep without fear of being killed. I know I'm not in the wrong but yet, I am ashamed to face the wrong-doer. I don't know how to be gentle and humble (yet) like her and look into those eyes and forgive. I don't think I ever can. Himself can go to the grave knowing that he was never forgiven.
I am not rich and I have given up the idea that I will ever be (but doesn't stop me from trying). I have accepted that I will be following in her footsteps - just a harder, no-nonsense and streetsmarter version of her. I would love to give her the big house, the money to throw but I don't know if I would be able to in her lifetime. But in her lifetime I know, I will try my earnest best to give the best that I can afford to be it materialistically or otherwise.
So when most would celebrate their 3-0 with a big party, my heart is heavy with sorrow for all these things and more unmentioned. Happy birthday, Petal.
'bagaikan padi yang tunduk
lagi berisi lagilah rendah
murnilah namanya
insan yang di gelar emak"
Petal P. Rose
3 comments:
You got 30 years to know what you know now. I hope you have 30 more years to improve the things you can do better. Finally I wish you atleast 30 more years to enjoy your improved life.
Happy Birthday, Petal!
ps: It's good to look back and do a little "check", but life is what's ahead! So only look to the shadow, to make you realise how lucky you are when the sun does shine.
Hello 'anima'! Gosh - if I have 30 now, 30 more to improve and ANOTHER 30 to enjoy the fruits of my labour - I'd be a very old lady!! But thanks for the birthday greetings.
I am always 'chin upped and looking ahead' but there are times when I want a bit of wallowing, feel sorry and all that ;-)
"colours of my past
vivid black grey blue ochre
sombre
present rainbow
red, yellow, orange, pink
with splashes of gold"
happy birfffday sooze.
-andy
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