traveller of the world
What do you seek?
May I take a peek
delve into your world
humor me, won't you?
Why do you search?
Is it not there?
There - right under your feet?
“Pardon me, my beloved, it is never my intention to burden you. Tell me, what is this I feel…my heart’s aflutter and it sings a song. An aria so sweet, a complicated sonata.” I recognise the feeling. It is one of sureness yet with faltering steps. That was three years ago. Now it is happening again. Has my heart forgotten the hurt and forgiven the memories? I am the brightest candle in a sun-filled room when I hear his voice – “Hi honey..” He, with the Spanish accent and warm brown eyes so expressive. I can smell him...mm...even though he’s miles away. I miss him dearly. I think about him all the time. It almost drives me insane. This especially so when it’s night and quiet. I lay in bed listening to the sounds of the gloom after laying down my book. The radio plays, softly, almost a whisper, in the background. I think over our telephone conversations. I always plan to tell him about what has happened since we last spoke but whoosh…these go out of the window whenever I hear his voice echoing down the line. I become the giggly, shy, person that I never was and swear to never be. Yes, he has that effect on me. We talk about things that just happened but it’s never enough. There are too many things to say so much would have happened since we last spoke. We share our dreams in that short time, building castles in the air – yet at the same time hoping that those castles become real. Him, a knight, me, the princess to be rescued.
Hahaha....funny how the mind jumps to the future without addressing the past and present. Is it really important? He wasn’t there in the past, he is present and the future, well, we remain hopeful that he wants to be part of it. Or is that something that’s lopsided and only wishful thinking on my part? I don’t know, I don’t know. I am ready to move forward and forget the hurt but is he? Does he want to be on the same track or am I just disillusioning myself? I trust him. It was difficult but I do so want to – very much. I want to trust someone again. To be safe like a baby sleeping, cradled with love in her mother’s arms and be loved unconditionally. Are you the one whom I can trust and rely on to be there for me? Are you strong enough to bear my weight? He would rather love and lose then not know love. Am I ready to take that risk?
Petal P. Rose
Hahaha....funny how the mind jumps to the future without addressing the past and present. Is it really important? He wasn’t there in the past, he is present and the future, well, we remain hopeful that he wants to be part of it. Or is that something that’s lopsided and only wishful thinking on my part? I don’t know, I don’t know. I am ready to move forward and forget the hurt but is he? Does he want to be on the same track or am I just disillusioning myself? I trust him. It was difficult but I do so want to – very much. I want to trust someone again. To be safe like a baby sleeping, cradled with love in her mother’s arms and be loved unconditionally. Are you the one whom I can trust and rely on to be there for me? Are you strong enough to bear my weight? He would rather love and lose then not know love. Am I ready to take that risk?
Petal P. Rose
2 comments:
This blog thing is good. Need to get one... Yup, this is me, your oldest and I'd like to think still closest bestest friend. This little peek into your soul is a little piece of you that you felt you wanted to share with everyone. Even if there were times when I wasn't always present, let me be cocky enough (on a 'subject' I know well like my own heart) to say I knew this already.
But my longing was always for you to be bold enough to admit it to me. Through our years of friendship, you had let me in...but to a certain point. I always felt I needed to be the bigger sister. To provide the security blanket so that you could flower. And flower you did. It was you that I trusted would never hurt me. You that I let into the deepest recesses, let my guard down, thinking you would always be there, no matter what. And I mean, no matter what, how ugly or fat or silly or simplistic I could be in my occasional misunderstandings. Afterall, isn't that unconditional love? And isn't love not to judge with an iron fist? You always liked to proclaim you were venus...lover in heart and soul... After all that has happened, I wonder is it only in your romantic life that you can let go like this? Be the giggly, shy girl you say...but only secure enough to let go in this particular arena? Where was I? What is our friendship, to me a sisterhood? How deep does it go that you felt you could only be like this with him(s)? Unlike you, I was completely myself with you. Never divided the lines of who I am with different people. You always saw and knew the real me, ALL of the real me. That's why it hurts to think that as your best friend who's sworn to be by your side No Matter What (and that still stands today, I made this promise to you 18 years ago, you just until today, have never trusted it)you feel that you can only give yourself fully to whoever is supposed to be the father of your child. It was never a sexual issue. Truly loving somebody doesn't have anything to do with sex and it doesn't have to be someone of the opposite gender to even begin with. It's just KNOWING how to love.
Love, never is something sexual, yes. True, whatever is posted here is a part of me and my experience but do know that a part of it may be fiction. It could be my own experience and it could be someone else's, with certain situations changed. That is why no names are mentioned. It's a play of how things - as life - are always twisted.
I do not deny that there are deeper issues involved - but this is something we have to take up personally. It has triggered off a reation off you but I am viewing it in a positive light. :-)
I am exploring ideas as part of a process of a personal project and I do not mean to upset you or anyone for that matter.
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