Another year, another year.

Sunrise, sunset

a beginning and the end

it feels like I'm a dog chasing my own tail

wearing down the cobbled stones

of the many before me

I turned 31 a week ago. It has indeed been another year of change for me - very significant changes. Significant but the earth didn't feel like it moved at all. It was a gradual change - God was sneaking up on me. As some of you know, I switched jobs - back to the corporate world. I love my job. I started out as a Personal Assistant, looking after the incorporation of the Australian offices but 2.5 months into my job, there were some corporate changes and I am now a regional coordinator, with 1 staff unofficially reporting in to me. I got sent to Perth for a week to hand over stuff and leading up to that, so many things happened that told me things were meant to be this way.

I am also together with the love of my life. We were friends for about 3/4 years and the puzzle finally showed itself and it is all now crystal clear. I knew I liked him but didn't think it was possible. It only really dawned on me just a few months back - I could have hit myself on the head because I didn't see it coming at all. He is the most wonderful of all men I've ever met. He truly is a gem and I'm definitely hanging on to him.

I also just spent the last 2 weeks with him in Indonesia. It was quite an experience doing Indonesia with him. He was sick most of the trip but he did his best, I know. I've always known him by instinct and the trip was just a confirmation of my instinct - I was also getting to know him more in-depth.

My best friend got married too! Knowing them, there'll be a new addition to the family not too far in the future and I'm an "aunty" or perhaps "Godma"! *shock, shock, shudder, shudder* It was a simple affair, only attended by both families and me. I signed their marriage paper as one of the witnesses and that REALLLLLY made me feel oh-so-grown-up! I never envisioned that she'll be married before me, given our personalities but there you go, a twist in every story.

What's next for me is that I'll be enrolling in a course next year and I also plan to squeeze in more travelling in between the classes and work. I want to go back to my gamelan and writing but that will be the extra curricular, not focus. I'm taking abit of down time now to prepare for what I have to tackle next. Although I do enjoy the arts, it's also very draining for me when there's only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week! I am also starting to save up - the mister and I plan to have a family in 5/6 years if things go alright between us. If it goes pear-shaped, I'll still have my savings. I know I haven't written on this blog for awhile now - no excuses, just being plain lazy but I do promise to write again. I also will be working on a personal project - more writing - and will share as I go along....but not too much because it's very close to the heart.

I'm looking for a spash of rainbow

through the keyhole of your soul

Love,

Petal P. Rose

p/s: this formatting thing with Blogspot sucks!

When I zipped my luggage

on my way to you - I packed with me

not only warm clothes but I take with me

hope.

I unpacked it and drapped it all on the cold

steel, set on your carpet. I aired out my warmth,

shook out the love and hugged hope.

and when I packed my luggage home

it was with a heavy heart - bubble-wrapped in mirth

and eyes that wouldn't bleed tears.

I've left it all behind - the warmth, love and hope

tucked quietly in the extra creases

between your sheets

I've left it for you to rediscover at

your own time - the essesence of me.

Petal P. Rose

I was waiting for the train to come. Fuck! 8 minutes till the next one! I stood, observing the throng of human wave who were on the escalator. My thoughts went forward to the eventuality of a goodbye. Goodbye to someone who has taught me precious lessons.

The most distinct feature is his mad amazon hair, framing eyes who have seen yet continue to open wide in wonder and surprise. He will be leaving our fair shores in a months' time but I already miss him. I figure that if I start missing him now, that I'll get a headstart and when that eventuality comes, it won't hurt so bad. Perhaps. I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

He has taught me to push that invisible barricade that we all set up. He's attitude, try, you never know. I remember that he used to annoy the hell out of me. I was complacent, happy to take whatever is dished out to me, never to question if the portion is enough. He is generous of spirit, nurturing and encouraging. He would give the clothes off his back if he has to. He never asks - doesn't demand anything of his friends.

His troubles, he keeps private. I tried asking but you know, it's not easy to ask when he never does really ask about anything private. The doors are shut in certain parts of his life. I saw pictures of his childhood and those of his children. He has seen and been through so much yet it never deters him to carry on to see what's next.

=======================================

The note above was written about 1.5 months before he left. It just sat as a draft and I never went back to it till now...Now that he's gone. The escalator was the catalyst to the note above. With an escalator, you know that there's a chance that you will see the same person if you are there, at that moment on a certain day. It's a human buffett conveyor belt that recycles people, day in, day out. In life, you may not meet a person again. Especially one who is a gem such as he. I miss him sorely, my buddy who never questions.

I've lost quite a number of people these past few months - through departures, not death!! (Thank God!!) and I know that it's part and parcel of life but still, it stings. I'm counting them off my fingers and I hope I don't have to move on to my toes.

Petal P. Rose

That Girl

What kind of a girl runs out
breathless, shoeless out of a bar
just to answer that one call
that happens every night (for a week now)
always close to midnight

What kind of a girl uses
all her money (okay, some of it)
on her mobile phone
checking messages online with it
every couple of hours - at times every 15 minutes

What kind of girl whose heart
feels like it's on hot pins and needles
with every mention of another
in Russia, Hong Kong, Singapore -
it didn't matter

What kind of a girl buys
flowers and leaves notes strewn
hidden in the house
to remind him of her presence
even if it's only the lingering traces
of her eyes on his pillow

What kind of a girl lies
in her bed with mascara
making unhappy tracks down her freckled skin
pressed up tight against her bolster
late, oh so late

She's the kind of girl
who's in love with you
She always has been
She is waiting
for you.

And that girl?
She is me.

Petal P. Rose

Sshhhh......

It is there, can you hear it?

No, I am not imagining it - go ahead

Strain your ears,

hear me out, please!

the sound of silence

trickles and drips yellow blood

it is unabashed and unshelled

in this silence it exists

louder than any sound that you have ever heard

silent yet powerful.

Petal P. Rose

What better way to commemorate the Great Singapore Sale by going shopping?

So I got paid and I went shopping. Shopping for me is never planned and I am not a girlie shopper. Translated, that means that I don't take hours mulling over a pair of shoes or that pretty red number sitting on the shelf. I go in there, see something I like, take it off the rack/shelf, try it on if I have to (which by the way, I hate), if it flatters, buy it, otherwise, dump it. I don't think, "Oh, if I just lose a bit here and another bit there....I can fit it................someday in the near future..." Girls, don't waste your brain space thinking that. By the time that "someday" happens, you are outdated.

Cut the long short, I got myself: 1 dress, 1 skirt, 1 cardi-ish top, 1 pair of shoes, 4 lacey numbers and some toiletries. Grand total: S$293.43. That is not cheap - not when you are supposedly buying sale items!!!

I was looking for bras. Now, whereas I'm not double D big, neither am I a minus A but I am happy with my buddies. I went 'round to the bras section and EVERY SINGLE bra was a padded one! I was going around poking all the bras with my forefinger - "oh, this one's got a nice bounce to it." "nice...feels like the real thing.." - pity about the colours. Why would you lie about size? I mean, you have to take it off in the normal ritual of sex. How would you hide then? Shadow trickery? Okay, even if you blindfold the guy, he's gonna grab you - do you give him cushions to grab on to in place of your breasts? Obviously, this is a national obsession.

This is not the first time where I walk in to look for bras and most of what they have are gel/foam/jello/cushion/water-filled bras. There are normal, well-adjusted and confident ladies out there who are happy with their buddies and normal, lacey sexy UNPADDED/UNSTUFFED would suffice. I don't want to wear a pair of stuffed toys on my chest, thank you very much, I prefer my own breasts.

I do wonder, though, how it would be brought out in public display. A national obsession with the declining birth rate has manisfested itself in Clarke Quay with major dick installations. When a girl stubbles out drunk and falls on her back, she opens her eyes, sees the giant dicks, she must be thinking, "I want cock right now." I think we must be fair to the blokes. Are we going to add breasts to that? When a bloke stubbles out drunk and falls on his back, he opens his eyes, sees the giant breasts, he thinks, "I want breasts right now."

They turn their heads, over glazed, bleary eyes, across the cobbled stones of Clarke Quay, their eyes meet. They got onto their feet (not an easy feat) and stumbled unsteadily towards each other. Their mouths, open greedily like chicks to a mother, hers smudged dark lavender, his stinking of the chicken rice dinner. She wanted cock and he wanted breasts. He saw that hers was ample. He grabs her. PPPPpppffffffffffftttttttttttt.....

Truly yours,

Petal P. Rose

I am awake in my sleep. Through my closed lids, I see tiny, tiny, hot dots. They throb white and red, at times in unison but mostly random.

My mind is in smithereens of a crashed crytal flower. Clear, absorbing the colours around and reflecting for all to see and admire.

I am lucid but fervently wish for insanity. I want to ramble and mumble incoherently. Act and react innocently as I please. At least the reactions and actions of my person will not be analysed and taken seriously. They can put it all down to madness or genius?

I describe things in abstraction, draw parallels that only my eyes and heart see. My humour, dark at times and my wit dry. Twisted, that's a fact.

I have been called an enigma. I am not a riddle for you to figure out. I am someone you can't box in. I refuse. I have come this far and I never look back. I never want to go back there. Don't take me back there.

Petal P. Rose