Do you see me?

You come by and say hello
have a conversation before you go
But do you see me?


Or am I just the fool who greets you
as you walk into the room
make you feel like a million stars
no judgement, no scars


Why do you walk past me
right there out on the streets
blatantly shielding your eyes
Do you not want me to see your lie?


Will I make you poor
from the gift of your smile
or will that put a fine line
another wrinkle around your eyes?


But I see you now for what you are
another being with a scar
I hope it makes you feel like a million stars
You, another being, with the scar

I looked at the mirror today and just noticed a few more strands of grey. No matter how I pluck them out, they grow again and again and again, not knowing they are unwelcome to join the others.

I found those lines sitting in my draft post - from 2009!  I have 16 unfinished blogposts and will attempt to post them up as and when the inspiration to continue with it hits me.  They feel so detached from me now - "Did I write that?  Why did I start that and in what relation it is to?"  Those opening lines were written then, can I bring it back to present and make it relevant to me now?

I can definitely relate to grey hairs and unfortunately, relevant.  I shall continue on from the post above:

I looked at the mirror today and just noticed a few more strands of grey. No matter how I pluck them out, they grow again and again and again, not knowing they are unwelcome to join the others.

I don't stop them now. I can't.

Some wear them with pride.  Like a crown of wisdom.  Some with embarrassment - "I need to see my colourist - my roots are showing!"

Don't stop me now.  You can't stop them.

In the end, we all turn grey.  The grey will turn white.  The whites will stay.  In the end, we are ashes and dust.

Petal P. Rose

 

Well, well.

Wowsers....has it been that long?!  I decided to have a peek at this blogsphere and realised that I last wrote in 2010.

So much has happened since then that it's difficult to capture each and every moment.  I've now "grown-up", engaged, with a house and mortgage and getting married next year - unreal!  I've also decided to take a sabbatical from the boredom of working as a corporate rat and climbing endless ladders and signed up to study remedial massage.  Quite the 360 degree but I figure, it's an industry that will not die and something that I can do on the side.  If it doesn't work out, I can always go back to being a boring corporate rate, climbing endless ladders - blagging my way through, coupled with massive dosages of alcohol and mindless dribble - NOT.

Thing is, I've decided to re-assess my life as a whole.  Re-jig my priorities.  Priorities that mattered then, do not matter now.  I don't want to be stuck in a job where it feels that I'm pushing through resistant tidal waves.  I want to focus on the softer things in life - looking after myself, my fiancé, building home and family.  It really puts things into perspective - that all the years of corporate climbing is no longer important.  Don't get me wrong - that's all good et all, but taking stock, no amount of money or applause or clap on the back for a job well done is going to cut it.  We spend so much of life investing and focusing on that damn ladder and wanting some sort of validation or recognition.  What does that do?  Why do we not invest as much as or even more, towards ourselves?  Where the rewards are not tangible at times but surely, it pays better?  Some might argue that by chasing that ladder, that it is a self investment but there are other aspects of self, no?  This is my take on things, anyway, it's too long an argument to go into on a blog.  I thought of remedial massage as that is a way of taking care of yourself.  I've just started on this journey.  Thing is yes, we need to learn the technical stuff but at the same time, this course makes me think and be self-aware.  I get such headache reading my course material because it makes me pause, think and check myself.

I'm also reading through my past posts and I wonder where that creative aspect of me has gone hiding?  I used to be active in the arts.  I want to get back into it.  There are so many things I'd like to do before I leave this world and I am grateful that I have the chance now - now is never too late.  All the things that have fallen wayside in the pursuit of ......I don't know what now, I can't remember!  Music, photography, arts - things that make me tick - that would be part of my focus, part of my personal investment.  I am not just a corporate rat, I am more than that and I hope you recognise that in yourself and keep reminding yourself before you forget the essence of you.

Petal P. Rose

There they sat, still in their clatter

silence in their defiance, they mock me:

"You are not our master, we are waiting for him to come home."

I whip them into motion with my bare hands

I poured hot insults onto their cool, smug surfaces

With frustration, I flung them

into the fiery furnace - burn, baby, burn

Who is your master now?

I dug deep into their core, till they throw up onto the counter

And I, exhausted, served them up on the

etched pretty platter.

I smiled.

Love,

Petal P. Rose

Today.

Today I spent the afternoon sitting in my backyard, amongst the lemon tree, grass, leaves, grape vines, lavender bushes and not to mention the ants and bugs.

I watched the butterflies flitting and flirting with each other against the blue crowded sky. White on white on white, marred only by the shine of the brilliant Mr Sun. The ants worked extra hard climbing over the mounts of my wrinkled mat, over my skin and toes, scurrying hurriedly with some place to go, with no place to be but here. I listened to the gossip of the neighbours, the extra unannounced guest - smirking as they laugh, sharing their jokes but yet not quite sharing. The wind, it blows to offer abit of respite against harsh Mr Sun, sending the flitting, flirting butterflies off their determined course into an unknown one. It blows as though embarrassed to disturb the intrusion of the scene yet it carresses my back like a well known lover. Made bold by the sigh of contentment from me, the flowers and older leaves, they surrender to fall willingly onto earth, some onto my face as though blessing me with their approval of the sun and the carresses of the wind.

And I think - this is life. This is what makes me happy.

I'm back - ish....

It's been a couple of months since I last wrote, I know. It's been a crazy time till now - I can't wait to see what 2010 will bring. I've decided that for Y2010, that I leave on time, everyday from work and get back on track with my food and fitness. It's always easier said than done.


I don't know why it was that years ago, I could fit it all in and be oh so, disciplined. Okay, so perhaps I had more time on my hand, lesser worries and responsibilities but I refuse to believe that it is the reason. I'm not giving myself room for excuses, I think - which is good....?


I've put some personal projects on hold, aside from the lack of discipline for a fitness routine and diet. There are so many things to focus on - I like to put in 110% effort in all the things that I take up but more and more, I feel like 110% multiplied by X number of "projects" taken on, leaves me with a deficit of 800%. Not good at all, folks, I agree....


If only things run like clockwork and are bang on - but it's too idealistic to even dream of it. Oh well, I'll leave some of these things for the inevitable January 2010...in the meantime, I'm on a well-deserved break down under and may decide to write again before the year is out...or not.

Love,
Petal P. Rose

Dark

I trail my fingers
softly softly by the seams
I close my eyes - I've not seen
yet I believe

Dark and large
Very comfortable, said he....

Is it as dark as liquorice
and warm like chocolate?
Will it taste pleasant in my mouth?

Petal